This public service announcement is brought to you by a grant from the Happy Birthday Orlando Montoya Foundation:
Have you ever found yourself wondering, “What is this strange connection I feel towards Matthew McConaughey?” or “Why does Tim Rice’s Lion King lyrics constantly invade my thought?” It just might be because you, like these prolific figures from entertainment, are a Scorpio. Scorpio is the zodiac sign classified by those who were born between born between October 24th to November 22nd and you might be one.
Scorpios are the thought to be the most intense, profound, powerful characters in the zodiac. Even when they appear self-controlled and calm there is a seething intensity of emotional energy under the placid exterior. This might explain the latent talent found in the singer Bjork, the blatant Prince of Wales Prince Charles or the justice of the Peoples Court’s Judge Wapner. Below you will find the names of many that you will recognize, admire, hate, hate to admire and who all are Scorpios.
Have you ever confused Kevin Kline with Calvin Klein? How about 70’s television star Burgess Meredith who played the Batman villain, the Penguin and the modern day Penguin played by Danny Divito? It’s simple because they were all born under than sign of the Scorpio. Also included are two of Charlie’s Angels, Jaclyn Smith and Kate Jackson. Did you wonder why Lyle Lovett and Julie Roberts couldn’t stay married or why television’s the Hulk, Lou Ferrigno couldn’t control his temper or why Whoopi Golderberg as Star Trek’s Guinan stayed so even tempered? It must be Scorpioisms.
Other Scorpios who are not to be forgotten are Dolph Lundgren and Billy Barty who respectively played He-Man and Gwildor in 1985’s Masters of the Universe. How about Monty Python actor John Cleese or Aaron Glass look-a-likes, Cary Elwes and Joaquin Phoenix. Nothing but a bunch of Scorpios.
This journey through the Jealous and Passionate world of Scorpious should have a host. There are game show hosts like Wheel of Fortune’s Pat Sajak Family Fued’s Richard Dawson or Double Dare’s Marc Summers. For something a little more serious one could expect Walter Cronkite, Dan Rather or Larry King. For something a little more MTV there would be Jenny McCarthy, Daisy Fuentes or everyone’s favorite cross dressing host, RuPaul.
A television sitcom titled “What to do about Scorpio” just might star Ally McBeal’s Calista Flockhart as a modern day business woman working for Ed Asner from the Mary Tyler Moore Show. Along, with Friend’s David Schwimmer as the boyfriend and Little House on the Prairies Michael Landon as the father figure. There would be frequent guest appearances from the Happy Day’s Fonzie, Henry Winkler (Heeyyyy) and the Adams Family’s Uncle Fester, Jackie Coogan. They could throw in Sinbad as the funny black guy and even have Leonardo DiCaprio secretly living in the janitors closet for a season.
If you could entice director Martin Scorsese to do a fully Scorpio movie, you just might find Ralph Macchio entering a dancing contest against Grace Kelly. The gruff, sandwich eating trainer would be played by John Candy. Fighting over the roll of the leading lady could very well be, Winona Ryder, Meg Ryan, Bo Derek or Rebecca Romjin Stamos. Demi Moore would be interested only to drop out at the last moment for personal, Scorpio reasons. Included in the package would be a score by American composer Aaron Coplan, with patriotic tidbits stolen from John Philip Sousa and directed by big band legend, Tommy Dorsey, or since Tommy is dead, he could be played by Mr. Holland actor, Richard Dreyfuss.
20 years ago, Shigeru Miyamoto became famous with the creation of Super Mario Brothers and the Legend of Zelda series for the Nintendo Entertainment System only 10 years later to have actor Bob Hoskins star in the low budget Mario Brothers movie. Jack & Kelly Osborn made their father Ozzie proud to two have Scorpio children but were outdone by the cast of M*A*S*H* which included David Ogden Stiers as Maj. Winchester, McLean Stevenson as Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake and Loretta Swit as Margaret Houlihan. Beastie Boys Mike D and Adam Horovitz fight for the right to party on their fall birthdays along with Sean P.Diddy Combs who could put a heavy beat over a melody created by Yanni.
Battle of the Scorpio bands would probably include the vocals of Bush’s lead singer Gavin Rossdale, supported by Eagles Guitarist Glenn Frey, Silverchair Bassist Chris Joannou, and U2 Drummer Larry Mullen, Jr. but in the end the competition would go to STP’s Scott Wieland, wailing over guitar licks by Metallica’s Kirk Hammett, with bass by Reginald “Fieldy” Arvizu from Korn and Blink 182’s Drummer Travis Barker.
Scorpios from America’s politics include Presidents Theodore Roosevelt, Warren G. Harding, James K. Polk, John Adams and his wife Abigail Adams. Other first ladies include Hillary Rodham Clinton, the current first lady, Laura Bush and future first lady Maria Shriver Schwarzenegger.
The world was changed by the Scorpious exploits of the French Queen Marie Antoinette British Explorer Captain James Cook, German Theologian Martin Luther, World War II Commander General Patton, Juliette Low who was the founder of the Girl Scouts, Cowboys Will Rogers and Roy Rogers. Most Scorpio of all is Bill Gates, richest man in the world and Microsoft CEO.
The world was enriched by such Scorpio artist as the masochist Pablo Picasso, pop artist Roy Lichtenstein, painter Claude Monet and Auguste Rodin, the sculptor of the Thinker. Scorpio writers tend to be long winded, including the writer of “Crime & Punishment” Fyodor Dostevsky, author of Gone with the Wind Margaret Mitchell and Robert Louis Stevenson, the author of Treasure Island
And who better to poke fun at all of this Scorpioness than Comedian Dennis Miller, Roseanne Barr or the late Rodney Dangerfield.
Finally, if the inventor of basketball, James Naismith, invented a Scorpio sport, it would be a form of football with Troy Aikman. The players could even carry around baseball bats in order to allow Ken Griffey, Jr. and Sammy Sosa a fair chance against Olympic Skater Tonya Harding.
So next time you think of seeing an Ethan Hawk and Goldie Hawn film festival, or a Art Garfunkel & Neil Yoing concert at the park, just remember, Scorpios are all around us. You or someone you know just might be a Scorpio too. As the words of Masterpiece Theater host , Alistair Cooke, would say, “So long, and good night.”